Get all 16 lonely carp releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of FAGOCYTE: my plate is empty i ate everything let me go, i fell, quiet, ARCHITECT OF MY ABUSE: this chapel you built must surely collapse, THE LABYRINTH CYCLE: iterations on a dream of icarus, KATABASIS: an underworld opera, WAR SORE, GAUDIA, SCREAMING TO THE [ V O I D ], and 8 more.
1. |
falling, leaves
04:30
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all the fights and the fury
no judge and no jury
could sentence us
even now still somehow i’m allowing myself hope’s relentlessness
after all that i did after all that i put your little heart through
after all that you did yet i truly believed you didn’t do
while we were perched right on the isthmus
you wrote on the to do list christmas
gift we received from my mother
in ink to simply love each other
there is no way anymore like a sponge that’s been wrung
there is too much and not enough between us now
and all our time before like a song that’s been sung
i can play it over in my head again until it’s real somehow
until it’s real somehow
i’m trying hard to care for myself
i mostly just make myself unwell
bisecting my heart to wear on both sleeves
everyone’s falling and everyone leaves
everybody’s falling
everybody leaves
it’s not the future in your mind
but every moment lost you find
inside a box that you never close
inside a life you know you chose
and i’m trying hard to care for myself
i mostly just make myself unwell
but there’s still a place where light gets through
a hole in my soul that’s shaped like you
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2. |
double yellow lines
04:11
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all my adolescent anxieties are
caught inside my adult heartbeat
i learned to climb a tree called self-animosity
to see how high
i could be
i’m sorry i’ve been less than kind
but some things will never be mine
my most punishable crime
is taking for granted the time
we have left
until we’re dead
until we’re dead
don’t wanna die
not having said
what was in my head
get out of bed
get
off your meds
things just got fucked up i hope you understand
hated you so much but none of it was planned
feelings fell like snow outside
a hospital window
on the day i learned to climb
things came into view
but climbing is dangerous too
just like the things i’ve done to you
under a table a school
in a floridian swimming pool
you let me into your igloo
and it was so cool
one day you are fine
the next you’ve spread red across double yellow lines
and a man is late to work
because of what you thought your life wasn’t worth
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3. |
big death energy
04:36
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it’s time to make a joke of this like you
made a joke of me
never respecting
always rejecting
my entire identity
it’s time to make a joke of this like i
made a joke of us
we were always using,
i was always choosing
power over trust
it’s time to make a joke of this, it’s been a whole year, nearly!
although i loved the smell of your pits
and i loved your dick oh so very dearly
i refuse to be the butt of this one
as much as you and my butt had fun
i don’t deserve to be abused
you got some transphobic bullshit you gotta work through, boo
i won’t bear this load of guilt no more,
at the time
it was safer to lie -
i don’t care how good your dick was,
you also
made me want to die
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4. |
mark left
06:54
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lying back to back for the second night
reminds me of our bunkbeds and keeping on the light
like mother like son you and reggie both held on
wherever you go you know you’ll always belong
not so much for me, i rushed out of there
from day one i didn’t really belong anywhere
his arrival almost cost your life
screaming: ‘don’t you let him out of your sight’
we will never know the mark we’ll leave on others when we go
i love you and i wish that i lived close
easter trees, un-birthdays, sunday roasts
continuing the story that our own mother wrote
two weeks later, to the day, she let me know
the dark took mark –
she’d had to let her brother go
the city’s chest has lungs inside
since i was young our tongues were tied
i lived my life unmindful
while my mother watched her brother die
the city’s bones have cells inside
they multiply
divide,
remind
me of my gran,
bereft, remind
me of the mark he left behind
we will never know the mark we’ll leave on others when we go
i love you and i wish we could have spoke
i played the pitt i played the oak
this shy goodbye i tried to evoke
had reached its lowly closing note
i stood up, put the hood up on my coat
and in what may have been
a great cosmic joke
i thought i saw you in the smoke
while i broke
i thought i saw you
in
the
smoke
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5. |
esmeralda
05:14
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esmeralda
wrap my arms around her
if only you could see
the places we have been
in my dreams
in my dreams
you hang like a cloud above us
all of my lost friends and lovers
everything is ending too soon
life and love, but i’ll still have you
i wish you could grow two arms to
hold me close and say “i love you darling”
you blew into my life
if you burn, why’m i still cold at night?
*piano punching*
you break my aching lungs
my replacement organ of love
you’ve no skin to touch
instead i’ll skin you up
because your drug is my love
but it’s not enough
it’s not enough
it’s not enough
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6. |
lady luck
07:25
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there is a man now
who loves me for who i am
and i understand
why you never held my hand
we were such a disgrace
in this unholy place
filled up with come
and body odour
you asked me to choke you while i was inside your ass
the drugs had reached a critical mass
your eyes darted about like fireflies
i was fucking petrified
you really might have nearly died
you really might have nearly died
you were lying jerking on/off
and then your seizure stopped
and then we both woke the fuck up
the start of me the end of us
so melt the igloo! drain the lake!
let the bathing girl awake!
burn the monster at the stake!
and let the scathing mirror break!
i’ll be myself
for everybody else’s sake
i said: ‘you’re looking at me,
do you like what you see?’
and you took all the weight off my aching branches
you were cooking fusilli alla make believe
oh the difference between looking and indifferent glances
i bought ten shares of stock
in being an emotional rock
i think somewhere i pissed off lady luck
she fucked me right after we fucked
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7. |
tinky winky!
04:49
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back home from nursery put the teletubbies on
now i think that tinky winky was the OG non-
binary rights champion with their sickening expression
femme queen realness goes to teach us children a lesson
that gender is a lie we tell each other and ourselves
for some of us it becomes the inner circle of hell
but tinky winky told me before i could even tell
my gender iden-titties hadn’t grown yet quite so well
then i realised i wasn’t a lass or a lad
they didn’t understand at school and just called me a fag
back in the 90s representation was so bad
tinky winky was the only role model i had
so i went full tinky winky with the full hand bag
going full tinky winky girl, yeah! that’s where it’s at!
cool tinky winky, what you got in your handbag?
probably a lipstick
and a gigantic pride flag
growing up in pain was the only way i knew how
then i learned to love myself and bitch, look at me now!
fuck how you’ve been told to dress everything is allowed
celebrate yourself with both a curtsey and a bow
and go full tinky winky with the full handbag
going full tinky winky girl, yeah! that’s where it’s at!
cool tinky winky, what you got in your handbag? probably a lipstick and a gigantic pride flag
tinky winky, oh, tinky winky
what you got in your handbag?
tinky winky, yes queen, tinky winky!
i grew out of you and then grew back
tinky winky, oh, tinky winky
you sashayed along the right track
tinky winky, yes queen, tinky winky!
you’re made up of what the world lacks
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8. |
the girl i am
06:30
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if you lived here, you’d be home by now
i couldn’t tell which were mountains, which were clouds
nothing i write
or sing out aloud
is enough to get across
four years now,
buried underground
the point
is to see there is no point
and keep on living anyway
i wanted to wake up
in a parallel universe, like yesterday
how can that fact
that nearly everyone
on earth
has either felt,
or will feel what i’m feeling
be so
iso-
lating
and i just want to pick up the phone
and hear your voice
and if you were dead, at least then
i wouldn’t try, or pretend
like this can be better
this isn’t over
we could’ve got sober
and i’m not a monster
but we crushed
white petals up
and we hurt
each other
we hurt other so much
beyond all recognition
down i fall
this well’s not for wishing
it feels like you’re dead and
i think i know now why
it feels like i killed you
without saying goodbye
i could never love you
as a non-fictional man
and you could never love me
for the girl i am
(goodbye)
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lonely carp Glasgow, UK
Callie Rose Petal is lonely carp
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